This time tomorrow

Life did not end

When I reached the game venue

And I couldn’t play

And for all the reasons offered

My mind registered because

No whys, just because

I remember the hurt

My stomach churned and I cried

Hot belly tears

I cussed so hard on a Sunday

Maren Morris made sense

And I searched their eyes for lingering isms

They darted away in an emotion close to spite

That was my hardest game ever

I am not where I want to be

But at least I am not demystifying

Adults decisions and calls

That could be communicated

If we dared to speak

My body painfully remembers

To pay homage to hurt…

Feted fate

Do you believe in fate/destiny?

All lovers are believers. I am a sworn lover, I could swear by love, I preach even to stones that love is enough,I adore the concept of love and I believe in it. You probably wondering what this has to do with fate. In Thesaurus according to me, biggest act of surrender is to the force of love. It doesn’t matter who and how, love finds people however and wherever.

Skilled people have had to love their craft enough to invest time to growing it. If there is anything love has taught me from an outside standpoint is it is a risk. We all have something we love more than anything else at every given time. No amount of explanation justifies the passion or driving force.

Every person that comes to your life and is yours for the loving teaches you a lot about yourself and life if you are open to learning. But even if you are not open, the bank is open and cheques will keep coming.

In the good year of the Lord when I bade my teenage hood goodbye, I was able to have and to hold someone. The only other thing I loved above this person was basketball . That too is a sport we shared and got to exchange ideas about and of course meet often.

A while after this lover of mine walked out of my life and the healing found me, I began to realize what fate has got to do with my existence. In my gut I always felt that the relationship would not end in vows and rings. I bade my time and the end found me when I was not looking. Exactly how this love had come to me too.

Here are some lessons I took from that 4 year long experience that would be great to associate with fate.

  1. Most things you cannot fully understand are works of destiny
  2. There is a lesson in every loss
  3. Loving someone is the biggest reckon of destiny
  4. Love is not eternal sometimes and that is okay
  5. Destiny is brutal at realigning

Hurt people hurt people

Describe a phase in life that was difficult to say goodbye to.

One time I was so in love

I could not hear nothing ill

Even what I knew as real

Wrong about my person

They were to me

A jewel a lore

And it was the law

To hide the passion

Somewhere deep inside

Where no one could see or touch

They were aware of the depths

I would go for them

But every time I sank

They would hold out a hand

But push me deep inside when I reached out

I plunged in this maze a long time

I did not think I needed saving

Until when someone talked to me

Like they see my soul nakey

I have never fully warped around

Why and how someone of human repute

Would be willing to heap layers of hurt

Up on someone that loves them so hard

So loud so proud

I love you in colors, some days it feels like red.
When all systems go
And I want all you can give
Plus a little more
I could give you head in public space
Or endure your mood and wood
I love you in colors,sometimes it feels like yellow.
Soft yet vicious
Honest and random
In such days,I tell you about us
And recap how you stole my heart,
I let you keep it.
I love you in colors,sometimes it feels like purple
Singular like my only purple ball gown,
I adore you in fine deets,
Holding you in high regard
And telling strangers about you
I love you in colours, sometimes it feels like brown.
That’s the color of your iris
Subtle,toned,grounded
Makes me wonder how favoured I could be
To stumble upon honey
I love you in colors and today it feels like green
You are a lot of things without even trying
And I want to see the world with you,colors too
Make love,babies,memories..

Of chances and choices

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

I am an athlete with physical strengths that put me on the scale and sometimes scale me to heights I could only imagine stepping into. Needless say,I am have been chanced with spots I warranted myself very undeserving. Before anyone tries to tap my back and cuss what looks like self sabotage,let me put it to perspective. I am a towering 6ft tall elevated view from the ground. My palms are God’s personal message that I have it all in my hands. Naturally I am powered above an average lady of my age and my strides, God lord my strides…

Now that the self appraisal is at par with initial complaint,let me fill you up with how this week has been. I could trace to the month as well. Love of my life visited me on April fools day and we did have a time of our lives. He left over the weekend and that’s where all these leads to.

Sunday sermon was on timing. Vicar explained tenderly how we could masquerade all we want about going with the flow but a time will come when we’ve got to make a decision that could potentially change the rest of your life. It could be as remotely tragic as,none of previous decisions really matter and you can’t come back from it( reads regret) or sounding like one of those check yes or no that lead to something beautiful. What’s more some of those life changing decisions may not really sound hard but some where in the tracks you realize that it was your Eureka. Oh and yes you could miss it too.

This are the sermons ideal for marital counseling and NYE. When the ink is fresh on resolutions and the mind is playing poker on you that you could move different with the same old wheels you know.

Come Monday,my league(job) is on recess so my teammate who contrary to me has had an impeccable half season travels home. Comparison is a killer of joy but you can stay around it so much and numb how the effect feels. I saw my girl off because I kind of know my way around town and what better way to come back home than in a simple jog? I did not care to check the kilometers or mind the route I’d take but the risk was too enticing to shake off. After biding her I embark on my adventure and as a former track babe I thought the road would be easy on me.  Well after about three kilometers,my calf caught a cramp. It was a way of my body telling me to stop or it will. It did. I heard. I took a bike home for the rest of the journey feeling like a certified joker and borderline failure.  Then hit the gym.

The rest of the week fell easy on routine and I flowed with it. I have been considering my next in a long time. Beyond simplicities of next meal,game,workout,man😜etc.  That last one is a danger zone,my current is my last please. I had a tv interview and when asked what I want to do next,I couldn’t find words.

Thing is,you never realize the damage of a hit until when you’re well. I have been in this downward spiral that made me question why I am where I am and where I really am. I saw myself on the mirror and wondered where the hell have I been. So to answer the prompt,I don’t know where I want to be in 10 years or where I’ll see myself at. Grace. I just got here.

Prename

What is one word that describes you?

My name is Viv,I identify as a lover girl. I embody love,I share it,I carry it with me,I love it,let’s just say I am it. Yes you are right to think who the hell does she think she is, lovely I’d say. It is clustered with other accompaniments like intentional,kind,considerate. Basically you could call me a goddess and you won’t be wrong.

What was the best compliment you’ve received?

I sat for a moment to figure out what could top as The comment and a befitting title there of. I could not narrow down to one. There’s two true to this,and I can be true to two. See what I did there.

When I get complimented about looks, dressing,hair or body,I easily shush it away.  That’s opinion. It could be a variable. But this one constant…

A fine Friday,my old man called to check on me. He does that often and random. I fill him up on deets of my day and because it had been a heavy one. He told me of how as a young girl I loved accolades. I loved being appreciated. I didn’t do obvious things to earn the thumbs up,but when I did,I’d be upset if it wasn’t forthcoming.  His tales were far-fetched and while he narrated I was waiting for the catch. The direction didn’t spell a clear picture of the destination.

He didn’t conclude or point me to his motive. But it made me identify that that small girl never moved out of home,reads me. I still love being seen,heard and felt.

One of my top hobbies is cooking. I have good hands on food and I love processes. It hasn’t always been it. This is one of those hobbies I picked up in my adult journey. If I enjoy a meal, a dish I must know how to make it. I have cooked for most of my friends. Some even coerce me to visit their towns and cook them their favorite meal. At my mom’s,the minute I step in she hands over her fires and pots.

I don’t say this enough,I put my heart on my sleeves. I could say Midas touch ah well I have already said😂. In all this I still feel  I haven’t captured well enough how good a cook yours  truly is.

Through the years I have been complemented on the same in special ways but one has really stole my heart. My exboyfriend texted me and told me to tell the people I cook for now not to take the timely warm meals for granted. He said he’s missed my pancakes,wheat cuisines, stews. I smiled ear to ear.  Smiles are the biggest appreciation I get, genuine and raw.

I am planning to make eggstew tonight. Yet another evening of; what did you use,what did you add?

Didn’t we almost have it all?

What strategies do you use to cope with negative feelings?

I am the fraction of humans who would pride themselves in being obtuse. My super power is being on top of my shit. I so much wish this lasted a long time,or my whole life. During this golden age of my existence,nothing negative sat with me long enough. No idea,opinion name them ever permeated me deep enough. I rose above every of those thoughts and feels.

One time not long ago I met a sad me. She was curled up inside me mazing at the nerve of the visible me to afford a smile amidst such a tumultuous storm. I tried to go home to self in familiar places, familiar pleasures. I took tonnes of icecream,chicken in different cuisines,cleaned up good and played dress up,shopped for pleasantries; nothing.

I have a feeling I would have borne it bravely had it not been for the multiple accounts of how much weight I had lost. To put this to perspective,I am an athlete and former model so you know things body image are really my cup of tea on a chilly day.  I found myself stepping on the scale one two many times to gape at the nett all of me weighs. I questioned everything from my training habit,sleeping pattern,partner, everything in between was also put on scales.

When  I could not self diagnose,I brought myself to slow down on everything but diet from exertion at practice,thoughts and worries. Shortly after,Vivs clinic of soul treats unearthed the joker in the decks. I was so glad it wasn’t an ailment. I was having a slump and hoarding harsh words from people I work for and with.

Now I can confidently say I know how to deal with negative feelings: live through it. Unless you have a tentative pathway to pursue to happiness and fulfilment,live. After all positivity is a choice and a never ending journey not a destination you can arrive at.

Sucker for love

What movies or TV series have you watched more than 5 times?

I have always been a huge fan of familiarity as far as plots of movies go. There is a special place within me that delights in seeing events unfold how I know they will. The thrill will still be there,not as deep but thrill is thrill. I saw someone call this some psychology term which I detested and disagreed with. It made me,for a brief moment disregard psychology as the imperfect science that pigeonholes people’s personas.

When I first watched Sarafina,a South African film telling the side of history not deeply documented I was enthralled. The plot is delicate and crisp. Over the years I go back to it and dissect through arguments,sing along the songs word for word and smile at the beauty of dances I haven’t been able to mimick all this time.

Knowing actors in person usually kills my hunger for stories on film. This particular favorite I have guarded myself from information about the actors and actresses. That is the only way to keep my thrill alive.

I tell people that all my life(less that three decades now) I have watched movies lesser than my years. The movies that I enjoyed, I have gone back to them for references and clarity of certain scenes which a junior brains could not warp around. These include Norbit and Deliver us from Eva. Monologues that I consider resourceful have been sourced and duly kept.

In all this I can not stress enough that the facade of love I saw in these movies, as a little girl was a thing of beauty. Still is. Love and basketball is also a contender in this.

What is in a song?

I write with nothing in mind

Time seemingly has been fleeting past me like a khat vehicle. I hail from a country that grows miraa/khat. usually the vehicles transporting khat are driven at a speed of something above 150km/hr. i purpose not to digress in this writ so back on track. I write with not a single thought in mind. My computer screen svreamed, wriite and I obliged . My background is graced with YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL IN WHITE . All the thoughts of my non exixtent soulmate humming to my ears in a pristine beach in Santorini are brought to life with precison. They fan my appetite for things beyond self and i am glad that gets me to hitting the keys of my laptop after a long rusty while.

We,the commision of hopeless romantic really are hopeful. I deeply wonder why we are called hopeless. I play tracks of flashsbacks with a particular love of my youth who i was fond of. So much that when he exited the stage the show sropped a while. my intention today was to play a couple of oldies to set tune for me to sink into some nostalgia and maybe slow down time in tow. Then my white wedding comes in mind. That thing they say about girls looking up to wedding is subtle conditioning, well i guess yours truly was conditioned perfectly.

the only was to slow down time is in the melodies of gods favourite. i refuse to agree that my nasal cavity and sound system orientation is anything like that of whitney Houston . every talented singer is Gods favorite. He put a software in them that is lacking in us those of average sounding.. Now i feel edified to write about miasma and symphonies and keys then something robotic happens.

we left my wedding without vows and went back to my dating days which are pretty much the present day and there is not much of glitz and glamour around it. A song got us here. it is a tune he likes. While siipimg through the lyrics and picturing his radiant face singing alone the three minutes of glory end quite unceremoniously. Or maybe not. It is just an advert then i am ushered back to my honeymoon night. Bruno from Mars sure got the juice, all of it. I am taking off my imaginary versace like a dutiful bride, ready to make memories, mental fireworks and babies.

How well does the internet know me though? Josh Groban grabs

Sign up a saint

Describe a positive thing a family member has done for you.

My old man sure is a saint. I talk about him everyday with every chance that I get. I am not overdoing it,his finger prints are all over in my life. I could have a problem picking out just when,but let’s try …

I love basketball and most days it’s all I have. At the height of the pandemic,when the walls of the world crept in on me, threatening my sanity,he outdid himself. See I don’t fancy myself an elite in this sport that I love. But my old man could draft me to the WNBA in the first round. Whenever I wanna stop playing,I am reminded of the belief he’s vested on me.

I see I have digressed,so back to the pandemic days. My schedule was rigid.,books,kitchen,sleep,repeat. He noticed that and reached out to save me. That rim and ball were very special to me. I perfected my left lays and got me a very fluid jumper. Sign up a saint 🌺

Updates

I may have lost my flair,kindly bear with the rust as I wrap words around how I feel and how I have been faring lately. Lately is quite a wide scope considering my last post was somewhere in August which was a failed phase compilations. My apologies to my two or so readers, I hope to catch you up on this very public journal.

Graduation happened, existential questions persisted, moving up and down accelerated and in all this we for a hot minute forgot about this baby. I may persist with this apologies narrative and end up not culminating a good read. So here goes it.

I was about to celebrate a not so mean feat of gaining noticeable weight only to check the moon and realize I am bloated and about to pay my dues to mother nature. I see people fussing about how hard it is to lose weight. Have you ever intentionally wanted to bulk? Like bulk right? Only then will you understand that a gain is equally as tough. My main love,the ball of my life has taken a back seat as we try to figure things out. Biggest farce I know,give it rain check. I think its a human instinct to want

My main love,the ball of my life has taken a back seat as we try to figure things out. Biggest farce I know but let’s give it rain check check. Results of the process are not processing so let’s see how to wade through this. I have given basketball as much and hell I have grown in it. I refuse to have someone,whoever spite my efforts. I hate the tone of the previous statement but well…structures do not land. It gets exciting. But i cant share this news just yet. Twitter warned me. Until then,i pledge to try consistency.

Are brighter days really ahead?

It has been a while since I checked in here. Not to say my life has been busy,rather i have been lacking motivation and will power to pen anything down.

While i was away,I got me a Bachelors in Journalism and Mass Communication. That is a big deal and I see you clapping for me,TY.

Give thanks for the days you have today,unless you have a timetravellers assurance that bigger and better is coming. That, folks, is introduction to a three phase series.

Toast to me

I promise myself alot of things lately
Much of which seem out of reach
Void bald yet stands out bold
Here is a toast for all the lies

I make blunt analyses
Painfully degrading my present
Utterly disregarding needs
Here is a toast for all the ties

I am a cowardice force
Unwilling yet yearning
Unconventional though convincing
Here is a toast for all the pies

I must say i love her
That is how to affirm,assert
After un memento par disgracio
Toast to me,for wanting and getting

Of April showers

It has rained for a couple of days now. The meteorological department in my mind needs just one more day of mild showers before we register rainny seasons innit.

That intro was in my mind for a while and its safe to say its officially sunnysidedown days. April has the gayest sky. April has the brightest sunsets. Dont google,its not proven just yet.

I am a creature of habit. My favourite has to be journaling,the writing that i engage in uncompelled and for my own good. With a keener consideration however,i think i do it for mines and others well being too. Here i go again with my favourite toxic trait of romanticizing everything in my life and exeggerating my position in peoples lives. Pass me my dues and a crown in tow.

With the gay skies,we still managed to savour most days with a level head. Towards the end,i did a number of very personal videos addressing myself.

Other days,i listened to loud blasting music,proof of life and actually believed that it gets better. I sang out loud and hoped. Other days,i would lock out the rays and flip and turn till when the bed cannot take anymore of me. That is when i got up and curled in my phone. Bills and debts long overdue messages serve as goodmorning. There is no other way to spending such a day other than sulking and soaking in.

I serve my breakfast late and without proteins so i can let my body use up its reserve. Slow on the chores because how else. No music on such days.

We await may,with open hands. Be kind

I go through old chats and pics

Looking for pieces to patch and pinch

Trying to see what is lost off me

And admiring what I gained while at it

I raise a score card from strangers and new friends

Its the only way I could enjoy lies

Warm precise and shallow

Short and very late replies

No calls to keep the night company

With speculations and fantasies

And wishes on smooches

And misses on disses

The only way round,looks like a way out.

Of hustle mentality and burn outs

Responsibility,of any kind calls for consistency and a lot more. I was lacking in both and not liking it. Talk of the process not processing. I delibarated on creative block knowing too well it aint it. There has to be something else.

I am the tiny fraction of creatives that dont have a creative process. Just irked randomly by the slightest motifs and we are creating already. The danger to this type of free fancy will is one day,someday or most days you wont find anything appealing to write about.Then you are drowned back to a whole load of days without content to share. Then follows the guilt of not being good enough a blogger.

The trigger to this self effacing thought is the emails that bombard my mailbox from creatives who i have subbed to their work,effortlessly simulating content on a daily. Then comes the idea to force work to fit the title on the badge you wear. You begin to write anyway and half way through theres a strange smell and a strange type of feels. Coming from the trashy compilation infront of you.

The cycle starts all over again like a loop. Never ending.

But i am making peace with how i take up my creative space. See,i acknowledge that i am cut differently and that uniquely. A special niche.
Understanding that i dont have to do it like anyone else. Frequency and tune are not all similar always all the time.

Welcome to my world. Oh and i discovered much of my good writs are manufactured when i am journeying to some.place. my brain likes it when we move.

how not to cook

its me again with a recipe but qiuck look at how we have beeen doing after the last time we were here to rant. My hair and skin have been popping with nit a single special routine and i am taking videos for the fun of it. maybe this is the best we will ever have, or it gets refining all the way down who knows. I havent cooked a solid meal in a long time because i have been on transit. What else puts me on the wheels more than the balls i bounce? I went to the other side of time to dribble and we fell short of the big trophy because fatigue. They say winners dont have excuses, so thats the most i can gather before i sound like a loser.

I havent been home for 3 months but for these months i was a cook for hire at no fee because thats what girls like me do. Moms has a tendency of overbearing. She will do her chores and stretch to yours too just not laundry. She keeps cooking and she makes her meals pretty fast that you barely get some flavour out but well.. you know what they say about mothers always being right.

so after the homesick and transit i sit in the kitchen and make a meal for my ususally very big family. saardines it was . mom doesnt stalk her kitchen with spices because she doesnt use them because her health.. even the bare minimum of tomatoes . so yes i sit to make my stew and boom i notice she indeed has nothing to fry the tomatoes with all while the oil is already heated up.

i decide dto crisp up the sardines and the first criticism came from dad. i cant quite recall his exact words but it was something of new crisp in town. ah next time you making a meal make sure you check up all you need. basic ,right? no this is not about food.

Just found out about vegans. Oh not just that, lactose Vegans. From the name guess you can have a clue of it already. Milk vegans.

Then there is vegetarians, i am yet to know their specifics. Fruitarians,those who only eat fruits. There is fruitarians who take fruits which have fell down. Which one are you? Or you just like me,the onlything we dont take is poison. Anyways,feed what you eat good people.

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMENS DAY

There is alot to say about this very historic and important day for women. The women in my life are amazing. my online pack is also quite a force . may you be rooted on your femininity alittle more this season. also why are women associated with pink.? dont tell me about softness of the colour pink please. drop acomment on why pink is used alot on women.

I have been alot like that women they do pilot scripts about. The villain who has it all and has nothing tangible really. I am slowly learning a culture of little to no complaints because that is what believers do. Well that said here is why i am here..

i hail from a country with undeniably the highest number of online bullies . there has been domestic research that ranks Kenyans on Twitter as top notch bullies . They get into arguments with virtually anyone that dares to irk them in any way. they are so compact and have multiple pseudos making it very hard to track any down in an attempt of taking legal action against the verbal abuse they put people through. the bullying culture is so deep rooted that even own president was bullied out of twitter space. when asked later why he left the platform he dully noted that kenyans are bullies . in light of all these, there has been a viral video of a woman being harassed in her own vehicle by motorists. one woman vs a pack of 16 motorists. i had joked about attending classes of martial arts so i can learn self defense. after seeing that video i can only attest that fighting back such a huge number of people and men for that matter for touching you inappropriately- groping is only possible on set. so I cancel the martial arts class .It sounds like a classical joke to an illiterate audience.

i have come this way all blurbing and digressing so what really is the course or rather personage to this write up.? after the video went viral, the usual turn of events took course. women with titles took to their social media accounts to strongly condemn the incident. the next day which is today happens to be IWD. They went on with the tags and strong messages in their platforms. does this sound like a rant? because that is just exactly what this is about. my country has nurtured to maturity a culture of bullying so much that it is pointless to think any online campaigns and affirmation can even remotely amount to a solution to any physical problem. much less one as deeply rooted as sexual harassment. one thing begins to stand out, that maybe the problem is beyond us.

i chose my blog over my diary for this rant because i believe i could get honest feedback on what can be done going forward beyond just messages of strong condemnation and task forces

i just remembered this one time as a finalist when i was almost harassed. coasterians are identified as a perverted lot of kenyans. their swahili slangs are sharp and vulgar much. i am a a sucker for minidresses . so i was donned in my favorite small skirt going to class. then boom an old guy pulls over in his range. i returned his greetings but kept walking because i didn’t like the ogle show he was trying to pull. he then went ahead to say that if i gave him a chance with me, i will flow with milk and forget my name. he said this loud enough that nearby motorists laughed and clapped at the absurd joke. they even added that people dressed like me deserve to get raped. the guy in a cool ride is still driving slowly by my side. i entered a nearby hotel to catch my breath. if i was light skinned you would have traced the flush on my cheeks. i was puce with rage.

when i got out one motorist was waiting outside. he asked me how much i wanted and stretched out his hand towards my thighs. i summoned my spirit animal which usually is a dove but it came as something of a lioness. i hit him so hard across the face and told him the next time he comes after me i wil kill him. students were already starting to gather around us. he turned his motorbike and fled. i hear nowadays they call me yekuza. the catcalling when i don short skirts and dresses ended.

i wonder how many women could be facing the same on a daily. some have ben groped while wearing baggy jeans. for fear of being attacked the more or being gang raped they cannot be Yekuzas. for how much longer will we suffer under thirsty perverted bullies? how much longer will we lift fists online and do nothing tangible on the ground.

nothing happy about this day honesstly. my heart aches.

venus is rising

you really didnt take seriously or did you? the title. i know as much astrology as i know mathematics and italian. for relativity i didnt study law in campus because mathematics. duo lingo did something like kick me out of their italian class . i was always confusing the pronoun for l`oumo and farfalla if that means a girl, could that be reason to have my dream trashed that bad.

so it is week three of february and we survived a giftless valentines yet another year in sworn love relation with baba boi. all the tweets of if he wanted he would have tried are really messing me up big time. much of which is behind me now.

now thinking of it indepth, i feel venus is falling. but i doubt if that really is a thing. my biggest trouble in life as in basketball is capped in the gambler. i really dont know when to stop and when to run. proudly picking the wrong signals with not a good explanation infact i honorably embarass my entire clan while throwing the dice to the gamble. well, about venus rising,.my adultimg script may have been written in armenian because a girl is struggling to pick cues. one moment i am fully aware of what i want and another i am swept completely off my feet without a warning of any kind. but the grace with which i pick my Ls with will put you to question and in doubt of my sanity,

a whole week of dishing my cv and letter of good word got me real tired. thinking of which in a world full of variables why is there a standard way of writing cvs? shouldnt we go straight to the point of telling the employer,hey good person, i have bills to pay and this opening could be of help. on the cover letter, you fill up deets of mantra and informal profile. or creatively answer what is that thing that could get you fired? these thoughts messing me up because my phone said it cant take pictures because the temperatures were too high,the ghetteaux..

when venus stops rising i will tell you about y new yogi beliefs,failed meditations ,update my how not to cook recipes and the games we play. i have a good one too on GBV and SGBV,first hand account . may you day be as easy as adeles voice loves.

Treks

I am believer who is curious. In soliciting for answers to the philosophical questions my mind levels against me I keep asking if rally the doubt is worth the much i have . while rummaging through socials yestarday I came across nihilist. I saw the description on her bio and was thrilled by the word which my mind convinces me is not new. I quickly look it up on the dictionary and the disappointment was beguiling. Yet another new one. I had envisioned my self going by this description of a new fancy word but, no thanks. I put my theological, moral questions to sleep and walk bare feet

and have a feel of new rum

and practise active vinyasa

and kiss a girl in my dreams

and repent on sunday

but to live in complete disregard;no mafia. We soft please. have a soft week, shall you.

Chronicles

The time is a while after 6:30 and ofcourse i was up already making breakfast. I dont like picking calls that early,if you have bad news better text a girl. I love breaking my heart on my terms. Margin of error for exceptions that dont really have an explaination.

my friend on the other end of the call has a pleasant story to share and immediately i ruled out how this was a worth breaking rules for. I am not an outdoor person by call let me explain it; i love going out at own will,i dont care who you are or what your reason is,coming over to my place is the most reasonable option we have non negotiable. If yhis paints me rigid,take it easy on judgement,i call it intentional.

My friend showed up at my place pretty much later but in good time to serve her breakfast. I had pretty much on my slate this day and all the options i was suggesting were all geared toewards  not leaving my place. she had been threatened on phone and was not relenting on having this looked at by an eye of authority. i was not going to let her down. i need an applause at the much i do for friends, my back aches.

i did forget to add how i dislike leaving the house with an empty pocket. not that i am into snacking like that but rather Mombasa is pretty much hot and for relativity the temperature is almostalways at 36 tops celsious. i have been around here for five years or so but i still aint accustomed to it.  again since the streak of breaking rules is on how about we honour it and keep the game on. we walked all the way to the police station under the midday heat.  not so bad, i had sun glasses on.

this was my first time at the police station and i was kinda nervous because a girl was losing virginity. yes. new developments to this case that i had not known, they( my friend and the purported criminal) had been in communication for over two months. here i was thinking this was a total stranger issuing threats. i had plans to meet up with my boyfriend later that evening i called in to cancel quick. do i sound like i was in a party running late to cook for my enstranged partner? exactly how i intend to have it come out. what started off as a few minutes of reporting and leaving escalated to a wait somilar to labour.

while waiting a group of ladies come to report  a guy hurting the wife.  the two had been together for over  two years and were party animals drinking cheap liqour from a joint to another. vegas for a lifetime. so a sister to the lady decides to intervene  and sends the sister to a rehab. the guy comes and causes a fuss with the neighbours claiming the wife has ran off with house hpld goods. there was a manhunt for the lady who is in a rehab. well i didnt sit there long enough to get to the end.

a young man who may not be a day above 15 comes to the gender office and i tune my ears to get the juice while waiting in line. this kid had been molested in school. the mother was too beaten to talk the dad too embarrased to stay composed the boy had a blank stare in his eyes. aargh, i went for wipes.

our turn comes an theres a chinese inside the office who has stayed in kenya a while to be tribal in his descriptions. kenya does that to most people who sit in high offices. he noticed we had an OB number and he didnt and his threate were a great prompt for this  writ. he said if they dont give him an OB number he was going to call the top police boss or better still mr president and i was wowed. he has the presidents number? well now he has mine too and well we may end up in one whatsapp group with the top legislator how cool is that? i will keep you posted on how the government will be run,regards,Viv.

How we’ve been

There has been a whole lot of events around me and please remember to forgive my most uncreative title

Holidays for me,have always represented a time to head home. I have never really planned what to do while at home just be home thats it. I sat for my final paper and the sense of detachment had a sudden arrest effect on me. Here is a place i had called home for the last five or so solid years. Made friends,memories and a fair share of enemies too and here we go goodbye. I dont know if tgeres any sane person that loves goodbyes. I had pictured my stay as cosy and smooth with very little trouble to write home about but we dont always get what we want,right? I have a tonne of lessons i didnt take in class and a tan i didnt intend to get. Oh and a human too. Basketball happened too. A steady rise then stalling somewhere at the peak of my dream.itfelt like waking up midway a beautiful dream with a slap. I hope the dream dont die though. While at it i keep a grateful state of mind because all things happen for a reason. Oh and i did lose a friend to suicide,very brilliant ball of energy that one. On that relocated note,we still cant afford a journal but well..,that is how we doing right now,still,gratuity all the way.

JUST SAYING

If i was to die today,love woul be the strongest i have ever been

i want to be remembered by how i loved,not how i lived

i am just saying, just sying nothing at all

La la la I am a middle child, trust me i can find my way,

before me is a tall great girl, behind me an awesome big girl

i am the in between great and awesome, a mixture of both,

just saying, i am just saying

Ehm,ah I could listen to any advise about me,

and make peace with lies and unpopular opinions

but theres not athing you could tell me about my hair

cos thiss crown,this mane , men

could brek your neck were it on you, not just saying.

i could be a cheat, i would be big liar,

but i am a lover, close enough

just saying, i am just saying.

LOVE IS

Brushimg through the content on my blog space you are most likely to come across one kinda sorta safe writer that treads carefully not to step outside topics out of my comforts. T opics you are most likely going to consider safe is what i majorly write on. however the kind of content that intrigues excites and somewhat seek to define me a little too deep are not the safe ones here. in my defense though i like meeting people with my soft side and having them understand that soft could be safe too. having said that allow me to introduce something controversial., sexuality.

I would like to categoriccally note that this may pick a bias of religion alittle bit because that is what i align and identify with mostly. Social media has taken over every thing social. theres the good in this which go without saying and part there of is the observation leading to this write up was cultivated from continual observation of peoples social media profiles. a thin margin of error though on people living a lie- a different life on social media compared to that they live in real life. but again behind most social experimental lies and facades lie a truth that is a close relative.

in my interactions and strolls in the social media streets i have come across flags that describe peoples sexuality. honestly speaking there are times when i wish people would mind who sleeps in the bed they make and let every other they dont make or sleep on be none of their business. thinking about it again brings to my attention the word BOLD. if really those that choose a path contrary to mainstream are proudly bold* about it then it gives us the chance to debate about it and therefore write about it.

so what flag best defines you?

there is a surge in the seven colour flag on peoples social media bios. PRIDE. love is love they say. love is… sounds better with me . love is how you make it., complete it how you will . this leaves room for anyone to be proud and bold , personal much. to all this i would also like to note that in this age of social media alot of people are seeking a group to identify with hence bandwagoning on any that suits their billing at that given time.

the description that ensue after the footing of the social flag makes it even a more complex discussion. i have seen more than one pronoun describing a persons sexuality. at this point i can also feel my self sound like a grumbling christian grand mother. again i am old school like that. the complexities of pronouns keep widening and just when youre about to sigh and stress peacefully yet another is released . it almost sounds like a movie series or iphones with release date after release date. my favourite is human–humxn. i havent recovered from this and that other one of having pronoun them and their<drops head dramatically>.

what could be looking like a cool trend or harmless bandwagoning in search of pleasure and full sexual fulfilment may end tragically. woe unto those that plunged in unknowingly. If by any chance you feel that this topic is farfetched and unnecessary then i solemnly remind you that it could get messier. stand by for the next part of love is series.

Beautiful things

Something broken something beautiful..

Most things are beautiful and worthy

Most people are good is more than just a sing along

I love beautiful things

I have a number of beautiful things

But most i dont keep

Because i have a damned tendency

Of ruining beautiful things

Because i have a bad history

Of losing things beautiful

And when i think about babies

I think of something beautiful

Too good, i couldnt keep.

ME AND KIDS

I dont really like kids. Notice how delicately avoided the word hate or any other strong a word that would get me crucified. Funny enough though,kids like me,most times.

Starting from my most recent experience… I am privileged to be part of the a team that is in the big girl’s league in my country. This is a dream I could do a novel on but anyways…so my team is dotted with personalities and habits of all kinds. Professional athletes are workmates and that four corner space is our office. Being a rookie I have suited up for my team once, such an honor, the entire season. This means most times throughout the season I was on the bench,clapping, cheering and handing my workmates water and towels during their shifts.

This particular day however was different a teammie had travelled to the game with her daughter an adorable 2-3 year old bubbly just like the mom. I had taken my place at the bench shouting my loudest as usual when I noticed mama Z was distracted. Her daughter wanted to be held every time her mommy was on break; half time,time out, sub. Maybe she didn’t look at me but she did look my direction and asked for help with the baby. I took up the responsibility and teased her around as a distraction it didn’t work then I tried moving with her to a different corner. She kept crying. Her mother signalled me to take her out of the gym, well..

I ended up in the gymnasium’s canteen and bought her snacks. That did buy me some peace to get back to the gym and watch the rest of the game which was well spent already. The mom played a lot better I hear and thanked me not<audacity>.

Back at home at mamas a number of two year olds show up at the gate every day to see Vee. I hope I get a chance of asking them when they are all grown why they kept coming to see a grown up. They should have answers because I don’t. Mommy laughs at it every other time to think that I keep insisting that I don’t like kids but they keep coming to me is hilarious much to her.

See I have a natural way around kids mostly and when I buy it, I don’t lose it easy. But I would never volunteer to babysit or play around with kids unless there isn’t any other option. A couple of excuses could sit in for this from well I don’t have a solid one yet but those younglings are quite something you know.

Intuition

Theres something about reassurance

When it comes from a spiritual buddy

Who is consistent and prudent

About their cult, act and faith

Believers like me appreciate

The beauty underneath variance

But still pay close attention

To close spiritual extension

I get lost in paintings ive never seen

Paying visits to places never been

I know that is how keen, *

Something big is for one in need

The Air around me gets misty

And my thoughts somewhat rusty

Goose bumps up and busty

That is how i know i am in- tuition

Friend appreciation post

I have a friend who is alot like me,in so many ways including looks. She’s my refined version; more creative, bolder in expression and encounters.
Sometime last month, a day after my birthday she gave me a call. The silence that ensued in between the exchanged hallos and other little pleasantries was perhaps for the bulk of months summing to a couple years we had stayed apart.

Then i let out the softest of my screams;no way. I had been looking for someone i could open up to about my regrets and mistakes for a while. This(search) had gone on for sometime and all the stacking up within was beginning to take a toll on me.My mental shelves threatened to break,my emotional safe not so safe. Dead stock needs to be taken out somewhere.

I heard her call out my name how only she does,in a way i had long forgotten but unknowingly longing. Alot had happened in the three years tops of her abscence and i was going to fill her in on it all.

She cancelled our first two dates which i proposed on my convinience. I was hurt. Love does that. Then she showed up on a game weekend. Her hair is short now,but she still embodies that same aura that twines nice and easy with mine. I wonder where she sourced the guts to cut her hair. We didn’t hug tight but my pieces, for a moment of grace were at peace.

again i feel tge urge to note that i am a believer in a lot of things,newly found faith is shifting. Everything you need will find its way to you,my best friend did. Best believe.

Home

When I left home,
I did not promise my father
A fatter cheque upon retirement
Or bigger better wheels to cruise on
All days though,
I had in mind bills and deeds.
Not on compulsion or coercion
But by volition and decision.

On the day that I left home,
I didn’t tell mom to stay hopeful,
That I would get her wrappers
And tickets to endless vacations
Give her life a turn around maybe

It would be fulfilling,
To one day,someday,revise this
And sigh,that was fast.

Updates

It has been a month long tops of not checking up on my loves here.,soooo whats up good people. Love and light your way,in your journeys and thoughts. So I have been busy doing life lazily and hazily, getting angry at the things I cannot change and hoping to change quick those that I can change. I must say it has been tough, some of these habits are atomic and somewhat etched to my existance. Again love and light is all I wish for.

An old friend dropped by to say hello and stayed a while longer than a couple of days.I am glad she did.

I am feeling that intuitive reckon closeby lately.

I am out of shape for most of my favourite things.

Made sad by the one thing that makes me happy.

Overwhelmed by my position in peoples lives. If i died today love would be the strongest i have ever been.

Too much pain from what started as a basic wound.

Bad long day on a merry day.

My delta

Me and kids

Well I promise a good read for all the above listings.
L.L.

Intentional

Hello and welcome to my blog. I want to say it’s been a minute but that would be a petty lie,a girl will not knowingly book a slot to litcity( hell) over a minute misconduct. It has been a month of no activity in here. My sincerest apology to myself for failing a consistenct test for the (lost count) longest time.

I was having a random conversation with a long lost friend. It is at this point that i wish to state that most of my writs are prompted by randomness. So while conversing,catching up and seasoning with a few disses, she mentions how i am such a people’s pleaser. I am pleased she’s frank and bold at noting that. I am the type to put up a front of defense except when the opinion cannot be supported by facts worthy of my attention. This allegation is one of such exceptions. There and then we talked at length about a couple of things save for my people pleasing habit.

I love people and i thrive in love. This typecof living has been mistaken a number of times. Trying to explain it to guarded type of people will sound like a desperate card of validation. I mentioned to my long lost friend how I am readily available to most if not all my friends how i want. I don’t easily cancel my plans for anyone. If i dont have a very kind answer i will not pick your call. If i see no need to explain i will not return a message or a missed call. I have no business saving your number if we cannot talk on the daily. I have no business texting back a guy more than thrice unless we making transactions or my heart is getting involved.

That was such a diary moment that leads to this: in all your interactions,be intentional. Say it with your chest. Its a trait that saves you a lot. Even when you’re misunderstood prolly because of packaging or general assumptions,be intentional. Have yourself an intentional time of year loves.

Best shot

I take this ball of life,

And walk every other time,

Few times when I shoot,

It’s that same spot of shame

The game was supposed to be fun,

They promised something bigger,

Now the only big thing on line

Is the hurt amounting from

All the hours of workouts

And hauled insults from coaches

And disappointments of average

That sit still on my throat at night

One last effort toward elite,

One last thrust towards being seen

Not to worry,

My best game is in days to come

And I will note with much grace

I had so much potential in many other disciplines

But that buzzer was not my best shot

Choosing basketball over all other balls

Is the best shot i ever made,I’ll say.

Game over

Been up and about

Switching poles and roles

Calls and balls

From a pitch to court

To yet another court

My heart has been on the line

One too many times

My mind on a run

One two,many times

Rests and involuntary quits

Many many times

The coachs voice runs hoarse

My thoughts grow cold

My effort,stale

My psych, gone

Best that isnt enough…

But i know tgat prize

I know that catch

Been around for a while

I know my way around,out too

The best is yet to come

For every rebound,inbound

Shot,miss,

Every whistle

Is a step closer;

To game over.